Introduction Podcast
How it Was ~ What Happened ~ And how it is now
Hey guys this is Michelle O host of The Sober MomPreneur Podcast & this is officially my first podcast! I’m pretty excited but honestly pretty anxious and feeling vulnerable at the thought of talking about myself, but I believe that means I’m right where I’m supposed to be. So I’m going to implement Mel Robbins 54321 method and just dive in!
So if you’re part of the sober community or interested in being a part of it in some capacity you will become familiar with the framework of “how it was, what happened, and what it’s like now”. Simply put its an outline for how we share our personal stories during meetings or while speaking about our personal sobriety journey. I like to think it helps us to paint a picture to others, especially newcomers, of how we pivoted & transformed our lives after becoming sober. We start by not ignoring the fact that we were once lost in an addiction of some type by telling of how it was while not dwelling on it for too long, how we started our sobriety journey, and how there is so much hope and value during which we demonstrate by how we live now.
So a little about me. I was born into chaos like many of us were. My mother and father were alcoholics and divorced when I was very young only for her to remarry another alcoholic and future methamphetamine addict which basically set the tone for my and my siblings lives. We moved constantly and we knew that our lives were different than our friends. Constant garage sales and rearranging of furniture in the middle of the night were something that became our norm. We found out in our teens what crank and meth was and my first introduction to weed was by my mother, and later in life after my oldest brother was murdered she introduced me to my longest addiction which was klonopin and anxiety meds. Its important to note that I don’t blame her - I was an adult at the time but its simply my experience.
She remarried after her second divorce after getting sober while we lived in a women and children center my freshman year of high school. It was a relief to be out of a violent, extremely toxic meth house, but it sucked starting high school while living in a homeless shelter. I did not see the value of it at the time but I sure do now and have so much gratitude and can now recognize the value in that time of my life. Along with the strength and courage it took my mom to do that for herself and us.
She married the man I now call my father after meeting him in an aa meeting and I thought it was the coolest shit that he had 10 years of sobriety. Keep in mind I was too far gone and had in spite of myself and always thinking I was different became an addict to food, boys and partying at a very young age.
I became bulimic after I had a nervous breakdown before my mom had gotten sober and when they put me in a mental hospital for youth they medicated me which caused an unprecedented source of weight gain for me and being teased by my moms second husband made me insecure enough to start purging. Something that plagued me off and on for over 20 years.
I started getting into really unhealthy relationships shortly after and although I judged my own mother for these very same behaviors I unknowingly was on the same path. So although she was modeling what it was to become and live sober I continued down this path while thinking I was somehow different. Ya I was an asshole and very calloused and resentful. I guess it was not too little but it was definitely too late. I had my times of clarity in between multiple hospitalizations and bouts of clinical depression and other diagnoses but I had the mentality many addicts have: that I was not an addict and I did not need help let alone medications. Especially if it made me fat! God forbid. I was addicted to how I appeared and having sex appeal and attracting bad guys at a young age. I sought after drama and controversy… I guess to replace what I had always known after my mom became sober.
I thought after getting into major trouble after marrying my sons father and us facing some serious consequences, even incarceration as a teenager, that I had turned my life around with fitness and starting to compete in mixed martial arts. I had cocktail waitressed after I turned 21 and saw how quickly drinking had became a regular thing in my life and it scared me and I needed something to take me away from it. Only because it was causing me to get in trouble, not because I thought I had a real problem. You can’t really drink as much while training the way you need to in order to compete at a high level, or at least i couldn’t. So it was beneficial to a point it just did not get as deep as I needed and would come to realize later in life.
I had been known for being athletic, competitive, having a short temper and fighting in and out of school. I would fight over anything with anyone at any time- almost like it was a sport. I got in trouble as a youth and was constantly on probation of some sort and I was getting into trouble again. And that was not ok being a young mother of 2 boys by the time I was 22. Martial arts was such a blessing and it helped me get on a completely different path. Little did I know I was trading in only some of my addictive behaviors for new ones as I still never identified as having a true problem. That was my family not me.
After my first fight in 2007 my brother was killed. Murdered actually while his young wife was pregnant with their son who had a series of open heart surgeries upon birth, our true miracle baby. She dealt with it with so much grace while I on the other hand started using medications and sometimes alcohol again to stifle my emotions.
I was in and out of so many toxic relationships where drugs and alcohol played a big part over the next ten years. I did not realize I was running from trauma even tho I literally ran by moving to California so I did not have to deal. ANd everyone at the time revered the Mma training camps provided in Northern & Southern California.
Ironically I hated attention that came with being a female Mma fighter as I had zero confidence after a lifetime of abuse from myself and others, and lack of healthy relationships with men or women in my life. Yet I was addicted to the physical competition and it became my identity. I was known as being a crass smartass and that also became my identity. Although it was just a cover to protect the truth of who I was - which was a scared little girl who never felt like she was enough. Even as a child I felt I had to be perfect and I was a notorious overachiever in order to get external validation from the adults and peers in my life which only came across as a conceited know it all.
So when I was in Mma ya I had a sharp tongue & wit but it was obvious I had zero self esteem. I had become dependent on medications for injuries and anxiety and I could never compete the same way I performed in the gym because I could not be on medication right before competing. Having to deal with emotions like anxiety and all the normal things athletes face beforehand were too foreign to me as I was use to being numb in my every day life. As a result I would always choke. Even if I won I would disappoint myself my coaches my team because we all knew what my potential was. It baffled and pissed me off because I knew I was an elite trained competitor but I did not have the emotional maturity to perform in front of others. Of course I did not want to recognize any of this. I fell into a victim mentality that only fueled my insecurity and paranoia. It became a huge part of my personality in the form of sarcasm and off color humor.
Although I was surrounded by amazing teammates in California who would express concern over tall of this in many different forms, I fell deeper into addiction and depression and became a workaholic in order to have an excuse for not having to compete at times and be forced into feeling. I was pretty vocal about my disdain for feelings. I thought it made me stronger and more efficient, not immature and weak.
Over about 6 years I went from doing a few pain meds over the course of a week to having sometimes 10-20 pilss of oxytocin’s or Norco or a combo a day. I ignored all of the signs and pushed away everyone that tried to help me. I became a professional at that.
My parents got divorced after my mom fell off the wagon after 20 years. My boyfriend at the time left me due to my pill use and getting into a horrible DUI accident. Yet I still didn’t think I had a problem. Everyone else in my family did, but mine was prescribed, I was by definition successful and led a productive and financially abundant life, and the DUI was a fluke. Plus alcohol was not my drug of choice, I just simply didn’t have a tolerance for it hence the DUI. Duh people. I’m lucky I didn’t kill anyone or go to prison after hitting a driver head-on, taking out 2 other cars and smashing thru the front of a house in La Jolla - also attempting to leave the scene twice. Even my probation officer thought it was a fluke since I was a master manipulator and convinced him I was just going through a tough time in my life, and passed all of the video recorded Breathalyzers while being high on cocaine and adderal. I thought I was so slick.
But I was a mess and I was at the point I could not deny it anymore and reached out to an ex to say I think I needed help. I had knee surgery after another Mma injury which did not help my addiction to pain meds and I had no choice but to move back home where my ex lived to small town Idaho while getting into the last of my long list of toxic relationships.
We were not good for one another and although he does not identify as an alcoholic or addict, nor is it my place to do so for him, he had all of the signs of addiction and alcoholism and our demons did not play well together. It took less than a year to spiral down to a new rock bottom that crash landed me into my moms ex-husbands home - who my sons call grandpa and I still call my dad to this day, and whom had 25 years of sobriety.
It was a heartbreaking decision but I let my boys move back to what had become their home in Socal with what they called their family in their wrestling team and coaches. Mean while I detoxed at my dads house. What a fkn nightmare that was. We had to taper me off of my many addictions starting with alcohol in August 2017. The pain meds were next and anxiety meds took the longest.
I really thought I should have gone to rehab but the atmosphere my father provided was actually just what I needed. He watched me detox on his couch while his pathetic chihuahua would not leave my side. It was so painful and scary its something that I wish on no one. I felt like it was the closest I had come to death. It took a lot longer than what I heard others took and stringing together a sentence was a struggle for at least 30 days. I found a higher power which before had been me just talking to my brother whom had passed. Religion was never my thing but I could definitely do this spirituality thing. It felt amazing being on that pink cloud.
My neuro-pathways and brain chemistry were still so confused- and so was I. That’s when I came to realize how much damage I had been doing to my life and body over several years. Not to mention my relationships with my sons. The pain that came after un-numbing along with the realization that they had witnessed everything I thought I was so good at covering up, drove me into another familiar bout of deep depression. I turned off my phone, only communicating w my boys through my dad. I cut off social media I just disappeared and threw myself into recovery and therapy.
I worked for my dad in his shop doing the work of five men at times trying to pay back the gift he had given me of sobriety. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Being away from the boys alone would have crushed me without daily hard labor to exhaust me and sometimes multiple meetings daily. I stayed busy and worked my ass off in every way attacking my sobriety harder than any preparation or competition up until then. I read the big book even before I was able to comprehend what I was reading. It would take me sometimes 5x of reading the same thing before I could digest it but I was determined. And a little scared my brain would never be functional again. No joke that was terrifying and lasted months, if not a year. Sometimes I still feel like it shorts out on me if I’m being honest.
After a few months I got a new phone and got back onto social media, only allowing myself to communicate with others that I knew were sober. I saw one of my best friends mother, a sober sister, online on Christmas Day 2017 and she reconnected us as her daughter did not do social media. She was always the smartest put of our friend group haha. But due to social media we were able to be in contact again so I lawyers remind her of that although to this day she is still off the radar. I had no qualms telling her my story after not seeing her for the last 5 years and I was so happy to find out she was sober as well. She was always such a bright spot in my life and I knew there was something there but I also knew there were warnings of not getting into a relationship in the first year of sobriety. Being a relationship addict I knew I could not trust my own judgement. She waited to come see me as she lived 4 hours away until I was ready to see her even on a friendship level. I knew this would be different if and when we decided to move forward -she was just so patient, empathetic, and respectful. She had a lot of experience with personalities such as me. (Her choice to become sober was due to drinking being contraindication for her RA medication but hey- she was sober still by choice cuz true alcoholics would throw caution to the wind and I respected that a lot. )
But I could not move forward in that direction until I got my life together and my boys back. I knew they did not trust me yet. New mom seemed too good to be true. It would take time and I understood that as much as it hurt.
Jessica helped me fast track my recovery in so many ways. She put so many things into action on top of the foundation my dad and AA had built. All of a sudden I had a car, new phone, and access to finances that I before would have exploited- but I knew she was trying to help me become independent after losing everything. I knew from how she always was with her friend and family in the past 10 years of knowing her that there were no strings attached.
I started to feel what I suspected normal was suppose to be. It scared the shit out of me. It felt so surreal and I felt so undeserving, old feelings of inadequacy and trust would come up and I was fortunate to have old timers as sponsors throughout this. Jess and I became close as friends and I felt drawn towards her romantically. Her mother had 14 years sober and was another source of support that I was so grateful for. I could not believe how lucky I was to be living a dream in comparison to my recent nightmare life.
A work incident happened to Jessica the day before we were suppose to travel together to watch my younger brother, a heroin addict in recovery at the time, get married to another sober girl he met in recovery. I was surrounded by addicts in recovery and thank god I was when this happened to Jess as it was something so scary and life threatening that I thought I was going to crumble back into my old behaviors at the thought of losing the closest person in my life. I followed my heart and did what was calling it and that was for us to get married in a short time. Most everyone understood save a few. But considering the circumstances and the trust and love I felt for her I had no hesitation and those closest to us understood.
The boys moved to be with us shortly after although I felt guilt for moving to be with her before getting them back into my life it actually worked out perfectly and they just adore her. Save a few days after a shoulder surgery from the worst injury that plagued me from my Mma days, (which was the main source of my physical pain that aided in my pain med addiction that went undetected for 6 years), there has been very little incidents that have affected my personal relationships. The shoulder surgery had me on meds for a few days and despite having a little bit of sobriety under my belt the way the meds made me behave was a great reminder of just how powerful my disease still is.
We have since moved to Las Vegas, as she was transferred after being offered a great job in the same company, I graduated from esthetician school (of all things) so I could continue the beauty career I had started back in Idaho, my oldest son is in college on a wrestling scholarship in Nebraska, while my youngest son has started his own sobriety journey on his own volition after using the for well over a year in shocking amounts which I could not bet more grateful for, we bought a house, started a business, and even added 3 more family members our French bulldogs Delilah, Ophelia, and Lulu and we already had our mini dashcund Weenie.
The sober community in Las Vegas is deep. I found a sponsor quickly and competed and placed in my first figure competition under a coach that also had years of sobriety from eating disorders and alcohol as well.
Sometimes I look at our life and can’t believe it to be true. It’s surreal in the best of days. I wake up and say thank you first and foremost for my sobriety because I know that without it none if this would be possible. I am responsible now, thoughtful of others, I can maintain clarity and focus and listen to my body and know when I need rest, I’ve learned to be accountable to myself and others. Ive learned to reach out and ask for help and embrace my vulnerability and my shortcomings. I have learned to forgive others quickly and most importantly to forgive myself.
Despite our amazing life I never forget where I came from and how close my disease always is and how easily it can take me down if I am not consistent in my program and step-work, daily meditations and reading, my morning routine that has truly become a ritual encompassing all oof these things. I stay close to my sponsor even when I have that lie lurking in my head that I’m better now and don’t need any help. I actually like helping others now, hence the new career in helping others feel confident in their own skin while subtly hinting to healthy lifestyle habits that provide a foundation for confidence and self love.
And of course now making this podcast and community possible that I have felt compelled to embark on so that others can see that even the darkest backgrounds can lead to a brighter future when they find the path right for them and surround themselves by those that wish to see them do well and not afraid to call them out if they’re not.
Sobriety and AA has changed my life. I shirked it for years but it never gave up on me. Now I have no intention of ever giving up on it, myself, or others and it gives my life so much meaning and integrity that I never dreamed possible. We did not come this far to only come this far. Theres so much possible that’s just waiting for us!
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