Hello hello how are you doing today? Welcome back and to those of you that are just now finding this podcast My name is Michelle O host of the sober MOMPRENEUR. I hope everyone’s well and if not, that’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok. Especially if today’s topic on relationships is one that you’re struggling with now or have in the past. And even if you’re able to say that as of right now you’re relationships are doing pretty damn good, most likely you will come up against some challenges in the future. We are human. As are those we choose to be in relationships with. I hope...And challenges will inevitably come up.
For most of us, romantic &/or familial relationships are proven to be the most challenging whether we are sober or not. Just because we got sober does not mean this area of our life has gotten any easier. In some cases it has shown to be more challenging-because now we have to feel our feelings. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I know I personally am now willing to put more effort towards my romantic relationship than I ever thought possible, and while I can honestly say I do so in much healthier ways than ever before, it’s much more work than I ever thought I was capable of. And much more fulfilling than I ever thought possible.
Like most of us I was either running or fighting. From everyone and everything but especially when it involved my personal life. I had a longer list than I cared to admit of failed relationships that ended in ruin, and often times in physical violence or cheating from either or both sides. And very rarely would they ever be salvageable in terms of any sort of friendship afterwards.
When I was younger I was pretty good at picking partners that were already proven to be cheaters and abusers, so I don’t know why I was always so surprised when they would do the same to me. I learned the quote later in life “what someone does for you they will do to you”, and in a lot of ways I still believe in that mentality when it comes to things good or bad but I definitely still pay attention to the more negative behaviors like lying, cheating of any kind even financially, and gossiping. I use to think I was special, then I thought that I was worthless, now I just accept the fact that people will do what they’re going to do and it’s my responsibility to not place myself in any compromising positions whether in regards to personal relationships or not.
I then adopted a lot of these abusive tendencies that were done towards me while never accepting any role I may have played in them, and in true addict fashion I then turned the tables and became the abuser. I guess it was my way of arming myself from getting hurt by doing the hurting first. I know it sounds pretty sick now, but at the time it was something I actually bragged about. And since I had imbedded the belief that eventually my partner would either leave or cheat, like most all of them had in the past, I had to get in front of it so as to avoid the heartbreak that was what I believed to be inevitable.
Even after I had a long period of time being single due to admitting I could not make relationships work, I was in an even worse state of mistrust and loathing towards myself and others. I thought I was finally taking the more noble route by being able to say that maybe I was the problem. I of course took it to extremes by staying alone for over 4 years and completely shutting everyone out, even those that I can now recognize as being great humans and would have potentially been great partners. But I was too busy punishing myself by telling myself I was not worthy, I would only ruin things, and yet still somehow also believing no one else was worthy of investing in because it would just end up being drama and taking focus off of my sons and career.
This was not to say I did not date or lead people on. I was actually a master at that. I was a master at all forms of manipulation and knew that I was not only good at putting up a good game of chase, but I realized all of those that were interested in me seemed to be more interested by the idea that I would not commit. This would lead to a long chase that I really had to put no effort towards, I would leave that up to them and of course put the responsibility of their pain on them as well. I had gotten pretty good at verbally giving disclaimers that I was not interested in anything serious while at the same time leading them on by accepting their attention and attempts in my own twisted way.
I felt safest this way. Yet I was still causing others pain while denying that I was. They were adults. They’re choosing this. Meanwhile I was behind the scenes being a master manipulator in most cases ways that they did not even realize.
Jealousy was always something I battled with as I was addicted to praise, attention, and validation. When I could not get it I would invoke jealousy in others and eventually convince myself I did not need attention or validation and actually started rejecting it as my self esteem plummeted and I stopped giving either to anyone else. Ironically while I seemed more secure than ever I felt internally that I was truly broken and that I would end up old and alone and I was actually ok with that.
I could not even imagine myself involved in any of these toxic behaviors now. But it took a lot of therapy and work to shed myself of this identity. It did take a period of time being alone in a healthy way in order to learn to love myself again.
That was a foreign concept. Self love. Hadn’t I been accused of too much of that all along when I was hurting others the most? I had began to look at it as a negative and never considered it as being anything short of selfishness and conceit. I did not think it would bring me closer to anyone but only push me further away.
On the outside during a time I appeared to have a lot of self love as I was very good at taking care of my appearance, vehicles, material things for myself and sons, but it was only a mask so no one could see how I truly despised myself. I did not want anyone to see me as weak or vulnerable while I was internally I was struggling and battling with a pain killer addiction that was slowly taking over my life.
At first I liked how medication would shut down my emotions. I did not see that externally I was still expressing emotion but in the way of anger, impatience, and intolerance of others. It became who I was and eventually I was alone not by choice, but because I myself had become intolerable.
The last of my toxic relationships ended like it usually always did, as I had dated him off and on for over a decade, in dramatic fashion with way too many people involved. He was such a huge part of how and why I believed what I did when it came to relationships and although there was a period of time when he pursued me without my falling back into it, I eventually did and it was the biggest shit show of my life to date.
It was also a blessing in disguise. It had been so bad and our drug use and drinking had become so heavy that it’s really a miracle either of us are here to even talk about it. We abused each other and ourselves and it got to the point I knew that if I did not make a change I would die. I had to walk away. Although he was getting pretty good at that as well I ultimately had to be the one to make the choice of getting clean of all of my addictions including him. I felt my relationship & drama addiction had become just as deadly as my opioid one and it had to stop cold turkey.
Quitting everything all at once while also moving my sons back to their hometown in California was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was forced to finally be with and look at myself by myself. And that was terrifying. I would swing back and forth between not taking any accountability at all and taking on all of it. It took well over a year to be able to look at myself and my situation in a healthy and objective manner with forgiveness and acceptance. I feel these two go hand in hand and you cannot have one without the other.
If I forgave myself and others without acceptance I would have learned nothing. If I accepted myself and others without forgiveness I would never be able to move forward. I had to deploy both if I were to move forward on a path that would lead to my learning to love myself and others again without the fear of rejection or abandonment.
Abandonment was always an underlying issue for me as a child as I knew my mother had left us with our biological father for well over a year. And I was lead to believe for more than 20 years that he then had abandoned us but my mom finally came clean and had told us she had made sure he would never find us and that shattered my entire perspective I had held onto so tightly much like I had every toxic relationship I had.
Abandonment and the fear of it had plagued every relationship I had, family, romantic, even friendship wise. It was something I had embodied and cling to for so long only to find out it had been a lie. Much like all of the negative self talk and beliefs we tell ourselves.
I could not help but also feel guilt for what I assumed many thought I was doing while getting sober which was putting my sons into the custody of someone else while I did so. Now I can look back and see that that was a huge sacrifice made from love for them and myself and it was the best thing I could have done for them at the time. But I could not shake the feeling that although I was now doing the right thing I was hurting them. And I still believed that I did not deserve love from anyone else until I had earned theirs back.
But now I know I never lost theirs. It took a while to see that for what it was and accept that but they had not given up hope for me even while everyone else in their lives had. And that alone helped me to see that maybe I was deserving of love by them, myself, and others. I know a lot of us believe that children can never stop truly loving their parent, but I truly felt that if anyone should not love and believe in me it should be them.
But until I earned their trust back as well I knew I was not ready to venture back out into dating even after getting sober and starting a new positive lifestyle.
When my wife appeared back into my life I will admit I was not ready. I don’t think I ever would have been ready if it was not for her now that I think about it. While initially she led with pursuing us dating, once I explained to her that I was going to A.A. and was advised not to date during the first year she completely backed off and we became best friends again while never making me feel uncomfortable or pressured.
She was sober before I was and while it was largely in part to being on a certain arthritis medication that made her deathly ill if she drank alcohol, she also had been living with her mother for a few years while going through her arthritis diagnoses and her mother had well over a decade of sobriety herself so she was very experienced in this area.
I’ll admit that I was still scared. I was scared of love and being loved but it was different this time. This time I was feeling actual true, non intoxicated emotions whether it be in my daily life or now in what could potentially be a relationship and they were feelings I were not familiar with. She was patient with me and taught me how to be so as well. She accepted me and in turn I became accepting. I still had to test the waters though. It definitely started off rocky and choppy as old habits die hard.
I would go days without texting her back only because I sometimes did not know what to say but also I suspect I was still trying to get her to prove how much she truly wanted to date me. I would push her away at times that were visibly frustrating to her. I would attempt to convince her that I was still unworthy and broken and she were better off waiting for or pursuing someone else. That I ruined every person I was ever in a relationship with and I cared about her too much to have that happen between us. She was unconvinced.
And I’m glad for that. More than I could ever describe that would actually do it justice. By her showing me what true healthy boundaries were and by showing me what it meant to truly model self care and self love while also extending it to others she taught me what I had been seeking all along. What love truly is. And that you cannot have it for others without truly loving yourself first. I had it backwards for so long.
I know a lot of people think that being in a same sex partnership must be easier than a hetero one but take it from me it is not. Ya it could be a long drawn out season of L Word for sure if you’re not careful but that’s definitely a past life for me thank god. But its still work. There’s still arguments, jealousy, fights, misunderstandings, trying to figure each other out even after knowing each other for over 12 years. We have to adapt and accept and stay vulnerable.
I think staying vulnerable is a necessity and a skill that has to be cultivated in order to in turn cultivate a healthy relationship. Being able to admit when we are wrong and also to ask for help, neither of which come easily to either of us being extremely independent stubborn females.
But we do balance each other out and when there’s imbalance we do have to work on ways to find where we can be more flexible and remember that being together and getting along is more important than being right.
I’ve never felt more supported by anyone in my life as I do by this human. That does not mean that she always entirely agrees with my choices or understands them. But she has learned to trust me. Which was something she may have battled with a lot more than I did. She had been in a very toxic marriage herself, one that by all accounts sounded like a living nightmare even to me. And she had lost all trust in relationships. So this has been work for both of us.
In some ways we have so much in common like health, fitness, nutrition, MMA as she too retired from professional fighting. That’s how we met actually. I remember our coaches telling me about her before I met her and how she might be bigger than me but a great sparring partner. I remember when she walked in with her leathers on and motorcycle helmet being both attracted to her and at the same time terrified. She would for sure crush me. And she would have if I wouldn’t have had a little speed on her. She hit hard. But I can say that that’s the only time we have ever been physical with each other other was in a controlled environment I promise! She would still crush me now if she wanted to arthritis or not!
But in the ways we are opposite we still have growing to do and we work on that daily. Her love language is that of physical affection and quality time while mine are those of service and showing my dedication. It can come across as me being too busy when in fact I’m just trying to make her proud and prove to her how grateful I am by attempting to become as successful as her. She is extremely logical and a number person while I’m always explaining how it’s hard to explain haha or there’s grey areas she needs to understand. Nope she’s black and white.
She’s extremely frugal and although I am in most of the same ways, I like my girly things like facials, lashes, nails, lips, hair, and lashes. Which is a lot of the reason why I’m now trying to teach her how to do a lot of these things while we are quarantined whether she likes it or not. She has been with me during school and every training I’ve had a lot of the time being my model so she knows a lot more than she likes to admit. (Plus I tell her my doing this as a career and teaching her is saving us $ so that’s a win she can’t argue with. )
She’s also good at paperwork and with tools and building and fixing things while I’m good at delegating those things to her. I’m definitely on the more creative side. She’s a little messy but completely organized while I have everything in its place but can never remember where I put the actual thing that I need.
She also is a big fan of rest while I’ve had to learn to do so as being stressed has always been something that made me feel that if I were, then it meant I was working hard enough and if I weren’t stressed I would find something to stress about or stay busy with. That was a huge obstacle we had to work through in the beginning of our marriage and I still have to be aware of even now.
She also could never see herself being an entrepreneur and has pretty much always worked for the government while I could never imagine myself working a 9-5 for the rest of my life. It sounds like prison to me although I do like the notion of having a steady income I also like the challenge of having to be the one to make that happen. I think this works out great for us financially now that she sees that being in the beauty industry can be very financially rewarding along with seeing how much I truly love it.
I’m definitely airy-fairy to her down to earth style. I play with crystals and sage while she does the spreadsheets and organizes her garage. Again. For the the hundredth time. But it works.
And it mostly works because we work at it. We put our marriage first in our relationship spectrum. She understands that my sobriety has to come first or we would not have a relationship at all and I know that is crucial and Im very aware of how blessed I am to have such an understanding partner.
She volunteered to go to couples counseling with me even though we were not having any actual issues that were serious but just because I suggested it and how our relationship is so important to me I want to invest in it as much as possible. I don’t have her go to meetings with me so this is our way of checking in with a professional. We also utilize going on walks at least once a week to do our own check in. And it works for us.
Relationships aren’t easy. But they are so worth it. I believe the quality of our lives is in direct correlation with the quality of our relationships. And this is coming from a girl that use to refer to them as relationshits. Successful and ideal relationships look different for each of us and our perfect partnerships might look and arrive to us in unrecognizable form. But we have to be in a place of loving ourselves first before we will actually ever be able to recognize and accept them sustainably. At least that’s my personal experience and opinion.
I hope by sharing my experience, perspective, & decisions in regards to this subject were helpful to at least one person and gave you a little insight whether it was in regards to you or your own friends, family, or social interactions and the decisions we have to face. If you have any questions or would like to share your own personal experiences or struggles feel free to DM me on Instagram @thesobermompreneur or email me at thesobermompreneur@gmail.com