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Hey guys how’s everyone doing? On today’s podcast I will be discussing the challenges of navigating the inevitable discussions that come up with friends and family involving your decision to not drink along with my experience of navigating social situations that involve drinking as a sober human.
So I like to believe I’ve coined the phrase “soberphobia” which has been in the back of my mind for a while once I started experiencing the stigma and interactions I’ve had after coming out as an addict and alcoholic in recovery. Unless you’re living under a rock I’m sure many if not all of us have dealt with this at some point or another in some capacity. As much as many of us would like to surround ourselves in every aspect of our lives with other like minded individuals, unless you are in a place of cutting out everyone that does not practice sobriety themselves it’s an impossible fact of our new reality that we will have to deal with at some point in our journey.
Much of what this involves is the tribe mentality and the fact that when we start to separate ourselves or our behaviors start looking differently than before or that from our prior tribe that that will cause a certain amount of internal discomfort that those in that tribe might have a hard time identifying as fear that in many times come in the form of judgement. The fear that you may be leaving them or that you think they’re lesser than is a primal feeling each of us will experience at at least one point in our lives and we have to learn to deal with it in a way that correlates with each of our individual wants and needs. Whether we be the one separating from the tribe or are witnessing it from someone else.
I personally remember when I would have periods of abstinence from alcohol just for health and fitness purposes before I was able to fully admit that I was an alcoholic during which I would joke that I was an alcoholic and could not drink just one just so I could get people off my back if the fitness explanation did not seem to be enough of an explanation for them. It was a joke that sat very heavy on my shoulders that they were able to laugh off due to the illusion that I was a fun, entertaining drunk, but those were the ppl in my life that weren’t entirely aware of my dark history and tendencies.
There was a time or two that they were witness to me being that fun individual during the lucky times I was able to drink just enough to get loose without completely losing control. I thought I had finally figured it out- that as long as I limited the amount of consumption and occurrences I was even able to attend events fueled by alcohol without having a drink being in spite of being pressured. But usually I brought the convenient excuse that I had a competition coming up, and since these events were usually attended by fellow competitors, they were way more likely to understand to be supportive. These were the easier situations.
It was the non-athletes that were a little less able to grasp the concept. These were the same ppl that didn’t understand weight cutting either and the inability to partake in mindless eating and snacking during barbecues but these situations were still easier to explain than when I actually started to attempt and eventually succeeded getting sober.
When I retired from Mma many people thought it was finally the time to be able to drink and eat as much as I wished and sometimes I did. And that’s when they started to see that maybe my jokes about having a problem weren’t a joke after all.
After there was enough evidence that finally had some people convinced maybe I was actually an alcoholic like I had eluded too, I would get the tired question of “why can’t you drink just one or a few?”...I would actually say “Probably because I’m an alcoholic”. It was a hard pill to swallow and I would eventually give into attempting to drink just a few with it actually being a success more often than not. It was the NOT times that overshadowed any of the “successful” drinking times that started to stand out to all of us.
Incidences of verbal and physical aggression, fighting with my ex or strangers in public, making condescending comments to innocent people I even considered friends when I had a clear head. We all started taking notice that ya, she definitely had a problem. I became the person that everyone would walk on eggshells around and feel hesitant to invite to social gatherings especially if there were children involved. Ya I was that pariah. And of course I always found someone or something to blame.
They stopped asking why I could drink just one and would suggest that maybe I shouldn’t have any at all. That was ok with me I had a purse full of pain meds or cocaine that would make me much more pleasant to be around. I told them that was my drug of choice anyways so I guess now they finally believed me. Ya I had some serious sick thinking. Once I did not have anything to work towards like a competition I felt I had no reason to be sober or even happy for that matter. Everyone noticed the shift in me and started avoiding me like the plague. Sometimes I would notice and take heart but usually I would just resign to being bitter and resentful. And we all know what happens with resentment. It grew and festered and the more these feelings of rejection came up and were unavoidable, the more I lashed out or ran away and also ran down any & everything I could find to change the way I felt. Even if it made me feel worse during or after, I just did not want to be or deal with me. Just like most everyone else.
After I became sober I essentially quarantined myself. I did not allow myself to have a phone, social media, drive anywhere or go anywhere with out my dad for more than a month. Initially it was due to the intense effects of detoxing but also largely due to the shame that settled in after I could no longer run or numb and I had to sit in the shit I had created the past 6 years on a path of destruction. Memories started coming up of how I treated people that had considered me a friend and good person, family members, even my sons. The state of my life had turned into piles of trash fires. I had succeeded in burning down everything I worked for and every bridge I ever had or made that were a source of positivity. I was still surrounded by those negative bridges that would lead back down that same chaotic road and I knew I may as we’ll burn those as hard as it was for the addict in me that still wanted to give numbing and running one more try. This new sober thing was nothing like I was hoping it would be. It was scary, painful, and lonely. I thought I was supposed to start feeling good again? When would that happen? Even though I was told there was no answer to that as it was different for everyone and happiness was not exactly a guarantee (wtf what was the point then?!), I knew u had to burn down those last bridges that would lead to only extending and furthering my misery. I chose to be miserable while getting healthy and sober than miserable while killing myself. That’s essentially the choice I felt I had to make when it comes down to it. Despite no guarantees I knew I could not take the risk of potentially losing what I did have left which was the love and hope of my sons.
Once I did start physically attending meetings a few weeks after going cold turkey and getting through the worst of my physical detox it was only with my dad but it was still daily and I did not go anywhere else alone even to the grocery store or gas station. We both new I was too fresh into this journey and I could not be trusted. Addicts are resourceful and could find a way to get what they want. And I always got what I wanted whether by force or charm and I had to finally admit that without it being a point of pride. I was sneaky, manipulative, and a liar and I could not be trusted period. That sucked but was ironically empowering.
For the first few months my only social interactions were with others addicts and alcoholics, the majority of them old timers. It was so comforting. I actually felt really spoiled about this. My sister in law had gotten sober quickly after I had and I had someone my age that my dad lives and trusted that was I to the same things as me like fitness & nutrition. It was awesome! Little did I know how different I would feel when I started easing back out into the “real world”.
I don’t think anyone truly means to make us sober people feel bad intentionally. But it happens on a regular basis. I use to take it so personal and deal with it from a place of defensiveness and shame or by projecting my own judgement. It took me a while to realize that I did not have to announce myself as being an addict or alcoholic to anyone that would listen. I did not realize not everyone would be as excited and accepting as my fellow AAs. They had actually wanted me of this but I was naive in thinking that everyone would be as proud of me as I was and see the positive and healthy side of it. Of course that was not and nor is it now always the case.
I hated the stigma that comes with being sober but it’s not unlike the ones I had dealt with from those that did not understand why I chose to fight as my profession or to be out about my sexuality. If I could learn to accept those judgements with grace I could learn to accept this judgement.
I have to remind myself that non sober individuals have varying reasons as to why they’re uncomfortable around sober people. Even friends would tread lightly with extending invitations to events that included alcohol, or even bringing up their own activities that involved it. I still hate that. I empathize with it but it still to this day makes me sad. I hate to think that they think they cannot be their true selves around me or that they think I’m probably categorizing them as an alcoholic simply for the fact that they drink. Which is not the case at all.
I have a lot of non-sober friends and the majority of them do not have a problem with drinking-that for sure I know I would have a hard time dealing with and keeping to myself. If you’re my friend I love you and want what’s best for you regardless of what it’s in reference to. The friends that I’m closer to eventually realize that I do not see them in a negative light, and that my personal choices and lifestyle are my own, and for the most part have no bearings on our relationship as long as they see it that way as well. If it doesn’t bother me it shouldn’t bother them. But once in a while it does and will and it’s something we have to be able to deal with tactfully and in a way that would appropriately represent our community. Not unlike how I have an obligation to represent my lgbtq community in a respectful way.
It’s not our job to make everyone understand but it is our job to give them the opportunity if they so wish. It is our job to be a living example and display standards and behavior that truly represent fundamentals that are positive, healthy, and true to our beliefs. Everyone’s program & lifestyle is going to be different but it should at its core exude love, acceptance, empathy, and forgiveness whether it be towards ourselves or others.
On a side note be open to questions even if they don’t come across as genuine care or curiousity. It could be disguised as sarcasm and we should be strong enough to stand in our conviction and remember that there’s always a possibility they could actually be asking in reference to themselves and what a great opportunity that would be missed to share something so important if we were too busy feeling sorry for ourselves or being defensive to recognize it. Again this is not our responsibility but it can be an option.
I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable to drink in front of me or make light hearted jokes whether it be towards their perspective of drinking or sexuality. We still have a sense of humor. We aren’t all in the space or mindset of falling back on our crutches of suing or alcohol or so weak minded or naive that we get offended that not everyone agrees with who we choose as our life partner. No one has, or should have, that amount of power.
Of course there’s a huge difference between light hearted ness and perniciousness. There’s no space or tolerance for negativity in the realm of my sobriety or sexuality and I like to believe that for the most part I do not have individuals close to me that partake in that type of behavior. However I do run a service based business and that alone has taught me so much in regards to this subject. Whether I like it or not not everyone is going to be accepting and understanding about my personal life. I had to learn quickly that even if my clients decide to share every aspect of their life with me, it does not mean that I have to do the same in return because it’s inevitable that I would come across some judgement and even possibly to lose a client. As much as I want to say I don’t want to deal with clients of those types of mindsets I have to remember that business is business, there’s a time and place, everyone’s dealing with their sense of what’s right or wrong, and I needed to cultivate the skill of compartmentalizing.
And I do believe that this is a skill. We have to learn to take our feelings out of certain interactions in order to protect what is sacred to us each individually. Taking it personal or trying to figure out why someone is the way they are is not something we should have time, space or energy for. I use to analyze my friends and family and even tell them my findings that I felt should help them and that usually did not turn out so well. Sure maybe our sobriety is a painful mirror that forces them to see themselves and their behavior for what it truly is and in order to stay in blissful denial they make sarcastic remakes or disparaging jokes, but we know better than to react or even respond unless it’s appropriate and would actually help rather than harm them. That’s the point of our whole program is to provide help for ourselves and others, not harm. And if we do not know for a fact that it will be helpful then it’s simply an opinion and should be kept to ourselves.
I’m totally fine with my friends that are able to drink and live a healthy fulfilling life and I love to see them do so. I don’t want them to ever feel that they need to live their life the same as me because I personally would and do hate whenever anyone ever tries to exert their opinion of what the right lifestyle is on me. Not happening. Being easily influenced is not something I subscribe to and I’m grateful I have the presence of mind to not even have those types of people in my smaller circle.
Family on the other hand is something altogether different. Many people including my sponsor do not feel that family is something to throw away. I have a different train of thought as my personal experience with family is very dark, toxic, and filled with active alcoholics and addicts many if not most of which I have had to cut out of my life. It was not easy for me but it had to be done with so many of them. While some feel that we should be more tolerant of fellow addicts and alcoholics behavior, if they’re knowingly not walking or talking solution, I cannot have that negativity in my life. Blood relative or not. Seeing how they know what the solution is actually makes me less likely to be tolerant. Taking abuse and people pleasing is a part of my past, not my present and although they do not have access to me easily anymore and I’ve set up boundaries that they may not be comfortable with, they know where and how to find me and how to approach me if they want to continue a relationship with me. I won’t cut someone off for simply drinking, suing or even being an addict or alcoholic not in recovery, but I will cut you off if you or your behavior jeopardizes my own. I know not everyone agrees with that, which I’m also completely comfortable with, but that’s what has proven to work for me.
And I encourage you to explore what truly works for you. Even if it’s difficult. For the most part it will be difficult. That’s the very nature of finding solutions that will actually be productive long term. It’s making the hard choices, setting flexible AND hard boundaries, identifying what your negotiable & non-negotiables are that correlate with what you want for yourself and your life. Because this is yours, and you do get to make decisions for it now. Ones that will further your success and the joys that can be endless on this journey if you’re willing to do the work and face the challenges with grace and patience.
I hope by sharing my experience, perspective, & decisions in regards to this subject were helpful to at least one person and gave you a little insight whether it was in regards to you or your own friends, family, or social interactions and the decisions we have to face. If you have any questions or would like to share your own personal experiences or struggles feel free to DM me on Instagram @thesobermompreneur or email me at thesobermompreneur@gmail.com