Who else uses the word “perfectionist” when describing themselves or hears it when others are describing you? I personally was given this label at a very young age and inadvertently adopted it as part of my identity, adopted relative behaviors, and even had a certain sense of pride about it. Who doesn’t want to be Perfect or at least thought of as perfect? Not me anymore. A perfectionist mindset has been a long fought battle and prison I’ve been in and one that I still struggle with. But I no longer consider it a compliment.
I didn’t start recognizing how my perfectionism negatively affected my life until I was in my 30s, and prior than that whenever there were negative consequences from my perfectionist tendencies - which I could somewhat identify but never held myself accountable for - I simply wrote it off as someone being jealous, lazy, or having a severe lack of standards. It was so much easier to blame someone or something else. It’s taken me years to relax and become accepting in this area and it’s still something I have to work on daily. Often times minute by minute when it’s rearing it’s ugly head in my mind and behavior again.
I use to confuse my peers and the adults in my life by how I would blush and get so nervous if I was performing or speaking publicly while in contrast in a smaller setting I was seen as funny, uninhibited extrovert, and even seem as not caring what anyone thought about me. Which is ironic af in hindsight. In school I was voted as having the best personality, class clown, even biggest appetite (that’s kind of a side note but could also have been a precursor to my battle with eating disorders later in life) & I was even known for winning every single award a kid could get academically-classic overachiever and I know a lot of my friends resented me for it. I I’m turn resented them for having “normal” lives and families and $ tho so it definitely was my way of compensating. It was all I felt I had of value, and the only thing I would have otherwise had in common with the popular groups I tried to be a part of any way that I could. If I got straight As, the next report card would have to be straight A+s. I would cry over an A-. It was a little ridiculous especially considering I was the only one placing this pressure on myself-no one in my immediate family saw any value in anything I did or achieved.
Despite that I could perform very well in dance, gymnastics, and other activities I taught myself in environments that were predictable and practiced - but I would choke if I had to speak in front of large crowds, even if I did practice and write it out. A physical routine I could rock out no problem, a competitive fight that went in a different direction than what I trained for would completely throw me off my game whether I lost or even won. If I felt like I wasn’t executing or performing perfectly I would shut down in spite of myself or getting beat up at times. It almost seemed like it was my way of punishing myself for not executing perfectly. Actually that was exactly what it was
A lot of this was directly tied to my relationship with my moms second husband. They both brought children to the relationship when we were very young and impressionable and still forming our beliefs and personalities, and his daughter and I were only months apart. Ironically although my accomplishments were an attempt for his approval , with the comparison environment being no secret in our home he had a very manipulative way of reminding me that it would never be good enough, I was not his true daughter, and he would be sure to bring me right back down to where I belonged. Unless of course his family or friends were around then he would act like he was proud of me and ask me to show of my gymnastic or athletic abilities.
The home was immediately divided and they were heavy into a meth addiction before we were even in middle school - so the verbal abuse went into high gear and it started crushing my spirit by the time I was in 7th and 8th grade. He never went to my actual competitions, academically or sports related (which would only be the free ones since we did not have money for those types of things-I never understood it then but with my own experience in addiction and partying I know now where the $ all went) nor did he allow me to play in paid sports when somehow miraculously they would come into some $ unless my stepsister was involved. Which she wasn’t. Ever. She went in the opposite direction from me, which I understand now with time, experience, and at least a little maturity. She was probably tired of being compared to me as well. Unfortunately she is currently in a very dangerous addiction, and has been for longer than I even realized. Which breaks my heart. Even though she basically copied his treatment of me which also broke my heart and caused some serious trust issues towards family and females for a long time. And don’t think I did not fight my stepdad, her, or myself over these things but obviously the negative beliefs, fears, & mindsets won for longer than I care to admit. Plus I was outnumbered.
I truly believe perfectionist minded individuals like I was in the past, are more prone to addictions. We tend to speak to ourselves internally in a way we could not imagine speaking to anyone else out loud, let alone someone we loved or cared about. Of course there are exceptions such as my stepfather and others like him, who now I realize are dealing with their own internal struggles that were similarly instilled most likely as a child. It’s a vicious cycle.
I invested so much of my value in the outcome of my endeavors and approval from others, that even the fear of possible failure or judgment would cause me to physically and mentally freeze up. At times my fears would keep me from even moving forward or taking action-literally and figuratively. When I was alone I would operate just fine but In a competitive or possibly comparative or even just semi public setting like a combat sports gym, I would not feel comfortable in my own skin as I played every disastrous out come out in my head over and over and even at many times manifested it into reality. This happened in my romantic relationships as well.
We all hear about self fulfilling prophecy and the science behind it is spoken about and published in journals, books, case studies, and self help material and of course all over the internet. I think of it as the step sister to manifestation due to the negative connotation. I myself wish I knew how real it was before spiraling into clinical depression and self hatred. I never bought into it or believed it held water. I believed I could somehow find a way to control myself, others, and life in general if I just put out more energy externally, as opposed to going internally and figuring out or realizing that the more I tried to control these things, the more my worst fears and scenarios would play out.
For a long time I didn’t recognize that my external problems were directly linked with how I truly felt about myself and others, despite attempting to appear and make things perfect. I would always eventually fall into the “worst case scenario” trap I set for myself in my mind despite my best efforts. If not immediately then eventually. And i would still never deal with the situations or my feelings towards them. I ran, justified, blamed and of course in true addict fashion numbed.
As a society we are split between praising perfectionism and judging it. Praising realmess and vulnerability but also judging it -whether we intend to or not. We judge. It’s part of our culture and programming. We do this in every aspect of our lives whether it be via media, social media, personal relationships, family, work, appearance, habits, ideals or moral compass, business, the list can go on forever. Judgement is a tool we are instilled with in order to keep us safe and make the right choices. But it can easily be warped and manipulated even in the most intelligent of us. Some judgments were programmed in us at such a young age they’re almost impossible to even notice or admit could cause a problem or create stress. We usually just write it off as who or how we, or they, are. How many times have we heard or said that?
Even the thought of succeeding can create stress. I can’t even count how many times I would be so close to reaching a goal and would react in typical self sabotage fashion in order to keep my preconceived identity at the proper thermostat level. Who was I to think I deserved this award, achievement, or title? Bring it down a notch chick. Who was I to even attempt or be so audacious to strive for something that others, including myself, knew I did not truly deserve. I felt like I had a split personality from being torn between wanting something so bad I would work harder than anyone I knew to accomplish it, while the other half of me was lurking in the shadows reminding me that I was not worthy eventually everyone else would know it too if they didn’t already. Don’t take that risk. As a teen I eventually bought into this mindset entirely by instead skipping school, fighting, and partying. I guess that was who I thought I was actually meant to be all along and everything up til that point was in vain. If you can’t beat me join em I guess. But in true perfectionist fashion I went after those things to an extreme.
I would value the opinion and judgement of others and manufacture what they were thinking - although growing up in a very negative setting I definitely heard them spoken out loud which did not help the situation- that I would hold back in order to fulfill this perceived or real projection from others of who I really was and would even behave in ways that did not feel authentic in order to reconcile these perceptions and be the person I thought they thought I was. How’s that for a min fck?
This is not to say I never had positive peer groups or adults in my life, but I had already been filled with and adopted so many negative beliefs about myself and life that that’s what my default was regardless of how truly deserving I actually was and the measurable effort I would put towards striving for a goal or accomplishment.
This affected my fight career as I have spoken about before. And now I have to admit that although I’m sober and have willingly admitted myself into therapy since then, this perfectionist and limiting mindset still affects my identity and how I operate in business endeavors even now. Even on my best days.
Being conditioned to comparison scenarios & the belief I need to be perfect in my service based beauty business and in the social media realm invades my mind any time I want to post something in relation to my work or my personal life. The fear of being labeled an imposter or being judged in any way good, bad, or even mediocre, keeps me from taking action and putting myself in vulnerable situations such as videos, pictures, selfies or sharing my blogging publicly. It brings up old feelings and memories of how In the past I would numb by using pills and sometimes alcohol in order to feel a false sense of confidence or avoid feelings of fear and inadequacy. Now I do not have that option nor would I choose it if I did. It’s a non negotiable. I have to face my fears and past by dismantling & dealing with them and sit in my feelings - but only as long as it does not push me in a direction that could lead to depression, negative treatment of others, or self abuse such as substance abuse, over exercising, or eating disorders.
This mindset shift and confidence building has taken a lot of work. Between therapy, A.A., and confiding in my sponsor, I’ve also enrolled myself in courses, delved into specific podcasts, meditations & audio primings, books, and blogs focusing on these areas. I’ve also become a part of many social groups in order to deploy accountability and feel a sense of support and community with the realization that there are so many of us that have battled, or are currently battling with this issue and how it has lead to addiction, depression, or other countless ways it can manifest in ourselves, our lives, and our relationships.
We have to learn to reparent ourselves when faced with the fact that we cannot change the way we were raised nor can we change our parents. But we can reverse the affects the damage has done by what we do now. We have to reprogram our thoughts, and therefor our emotions, and as a result, our lives. We have to quit comparing ourselves to others or beating ourselves up over past mistakes that could keep us stuck or resorting to using or drinking or other toxic behavior. We have to do some work. Ask for help. And treat ourselves the way we wish would have been treated in our most painful past events or relationships.
It’s almost like re-brainwashing ourselves into seeing the positive side of things or life while removing these false negative beliefs or labels -!replacing them with new positive ones that we actually want even if initially it feels uncomfortable and we feel undeserving.
You do not need to do anything in order to be deserving. Just by being born we have this right and deserve to live our best lives and be the best version of ourselves- however that looks to each of us individually. It does not have to look or be a certain way. When we subscribe to preconceived notions & expectations of what our selves & our lives should look like, we only set ourselves up for disappoint and give ourselves an excuse to start beating ourselves up again.
We do get to control how we think about a certain situation so that we do not have negative emotions towards it or ourselves. And that’s about the only thing that we can control. And it should be empowering. When we realize this and let go of trying to control literally anything else we make room to breath and grow towards becoming our best self.
Which will not be perfect. Perfection is a lie. Ready is a lie. But just like in any recovery program or goal we have to take action. We have to start by BEHAVING AS & BEING who we know we are capable of and release the how - and also the why. You do not need to strive or prove yourself worthy of being who you truly are or living the way you truly desire to live, or being treated the way you know you truly deserve to be treated.
Celebrate your wins no matter how small they may seem to you. Someone else out there would be proud to announce some of our accomplishments we so unwittingly take for granted. That’s not to get caught up In the comparison trap again, but to start to recognize them by honoring yourself and others, and to start becoming comfortable with your progress. Having the ability to see the value in yourself and others in turn gives you and them the freedom to see it and give it more regularly and easily- but you should do so even when they do not have the skill reciprocation. Which I do believe is a skill.
Everyone is fighting battles that are not always as obvious as when someone lashes out or reacts with sarcasm (I myself am a retired smartass - for the most part) which is one of the more obvious indicators for low self esteem and fear of judgement and rejection.
In what ways do any of these behaviors resonate with you? Do you find yourself hesitating on acting on things that would truly set your soul on fire due to these types of fears and lack of confidence? Do you keep your ambitions, goals, and dreams to yourself? Do you put up walls in an attempt to feel safe as not to feel vulnerable exposed, and possibly rejected by others in our lives or communities when they find out you’re not perfect?
As parents, leaders, business owners, bosses, & influencers (whether we consider ourselves to be one or not we are all influencing someone whether we want to or not) now or in the future - we have an obligation to love and accept ourselves. How would would these types of limiting beliefs or actions affect those of us in these positions or others around us if we continue on this path? We never wanted to have this be an issue for us personally, so why would we demonstrate ourselves accepting and repeating them if they could possibly influence someone else in our lives to go down that same path? It trickles down and around.
I don’t think any of us if faced with this choice in a tangible setting would knowingly choose that or wish that on anyone. We have to start with us. I like to see myself and my life as something I do not truly own, aside from the thoughts I get to choose, so that can I realize that my life & my actions affect others - because I am part of a whole.
So many of us in active addiction isolated & alienated ourselves and others by believing we were not a part of, or worthy to be part of, humanity in any way, big or small, or that we were not worthy of love or being loved. Which the majority of the time IS the very basis of all of our fears individually and as a collective. Some of us even adopted & modeled the false sentiment that we were above others which unfortunately is just another trait and method of someone that feels unworthy. If you’re able to honestly recognize in yourself you’re already making progress.
Take advantage of the free or paid valuable resources that are and have been available to us. We are worthy of investing in ourselves in this manner. Nothing in our external world will be of long term or consistent value without doing this vital inner work. It will be hard, I’m not going to deny that, but it will be worth it. It will bring you peace, acceptance, understanding, empathy, and joy that you priorly never imagined possible. You are worth it. You are valuable. You are capable of loving and worthy of being loved. Simply by being alive.
After you go inward take action and start going outward. Go after your dreams and goals you are afraid of and make you nervous. Make them so large they seem unattainable and audacious, but do not relent or change them in order to fall back into comfort or find an excuse to stop your momentum because it’s not playing out perfectly. You and life are not meant to be perfect. They’re meant to be experienced and enjoyed. And joy should be one of your ultimate goals.
I hope this was of value to at least one person. One person has the capability of producing a ripple effect that can affect those around them whether you see it or not, or feel you should be in that position. You’re already in it and have been. Make sure your affect is one that you would want to be affected by and feel yourself.
I also hope you’re having a wonderful day and you’re realizing how beautiful and imperfectly perfect you are & you’re allowed to be, and you’re inspired in some way to start moving forward with that feeling and belief in the direction of your dreams. If I can, you can.
You’re not alone, and remember-you did not come this far to only come this far.
